Can you actually feel it? When you scared to even express all of your feelings because it will be used against you?

   Can you actually feel it? Losing interest in things you used to love?

   Can you actually feel it? Stop telling your 'favorite person' about everything because you know she/he just emotionally unavailable for you? 

   Can you actually feel it? Losing your appetite because traumas can't stop hitting you?

   Can you actually feel it? Being at your own house and got the urge to go home?

   Can you actually feel it? Missing someone that is already gone from this world?

   Can you actually feel it? Not being anyone's first choice or favorite?

   Can you actually feel it? Need to always figure things out by yourself?

   Can you actually feel it? Begging God to heal you?

   Can you actually feel it? Fighting the loud voices in your head that keep on yelling at you to give up?

   Can you actually feel it? Loving someone's toxicity because of the gaslighting?

   Can you actually feel it? Want to escape?

   I don't think people understand how sickening it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even know it yourself. Sometimes you just gotta accept and bare in mind that these people won't change. They just won't. 

   At this point, when I'm having a good times, the random though will cross my mind. I just realised that none of this people are actually standing up for me when I was not around. I was on my own. I will always remember. Nobody was there for me. It's only Allah and pass me. Always.

   There is limit in everything. It is what it is and it will forever be. I have no right to change someone if they still believe that they are the victims in every situations. So, I chose to just leave the table and shut myself up. It's better that way. I actually need a better environment to heal. I can't heal in a place full of people who give me me these wounds. 

   I hate writing some dramatic shits but writing is one of my escape and that's why I write. The storms will pass. I believe...     

   I wish I can finally go away... Run away from things that keep on hurting me and making me feel worthless. Of course not today but one day, I believe.. I don't belong here. 

   I wish I could write some astounding shits on the next entry. See you when I see you. Until the next entry! Love you to the moon and saturn! Au revoir! 

Labels: cinesthetic, life